All posts by Amanda Vaughan

Change, Meditation, Wellness topic

Understanding the Stages of Grief: A Gentle Guide Through Loss

It’s the end of October and the beginning of November with Halloween and Dia de los Muertos behind us. I love the idea of having a time of the year dedicated to thinking of the after life and of honoring our ancestors. However, with all the reminders of death during this particular holiday season, grief can be stirred up. There may be those who have been triggered and wondering what is going on with their swings in emotional states. I thought I would take this time to review the stages of grief in order to offer some support and understanding if you find yourself in the grief process.

The Five Stages of Grief

The idea of the “five stages of grief” was introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking 1969 book On Death and Dying. She initially developed the model while studying people facing terminal illness, but it has since been applied more broadly to all types of loss (Kübler-Ross, 1969; Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005).

1. Denial

Denial serves as an emotional buffer. It helps the mind process loss at a pace it can handle. People might say things like, “This can’t be happening,” or find themselves moving through daily routines on autopilot. Denial gives us space to absorb shock before deeper feelings surface.

2. Anger

As reality sets in, anger often arises — directed at oneself, others, or even at life itself. Anger is sometimes easier to express than pain, and it provides a temporary sense of control. Recognizing anger as a natural part of healing prevents guilt from compounding the emotion (Worden, 2009).

3. Bargaining

In this stage, the mind searches for meaning or tries to negotiate away pain: “If only I had done this differently…” or “Maybe if I change something, things will return to normal.” Bargaining often reflects our struggle to regain a sense of agency in an uncontrollable situation.

4. Depression

When the full weight of the loss sinks in, sadness, fatigue, or withdrawal may appear. This is not necessarily clinical depression but rather a reflection of the profound emptiness that loss brings. Allowing these feelings without judgment helps us integrate grief rather than resist it (Stroebe & Schut, 2010).

5. Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean being “okay” with the loss. It means acknowledging reality and finding a new way to live alongside it. This stage is about integration — learning to carry love and memory forward in a new way (Neimeyer, 2019).

Beyond the Five Stages

In my most recent yoga therapist training at Purusha Yoga School  (San Francisco, CA), I took a class “Aging Gracefully”.  The Primary teacher and founder of this school, Joy Ravelli,  had compiled an excellent class on death and dying.  From her research and practice she shared a different “version” of the grief stages that I feel have changed my perspective on this process, particularly with the addition of the stage of “wisdom”. Here they are:

1.Denial/ Shock 

 Denial and Shock help us survive and cope.  This stage helps us pace our grief.

Shock and denial are defense mechanisms.

2. Exploring Emotional

(Otherwise known as “Anger” and “Bargaining”)

The stage of searching and yearning leads to feeling in the body.  Those feelings may be anger, sadness, panic, hurt, loneliness, despair, depression.  Each of these feelings has a story.  Each of these feelings has an energy.

3. Conscious Rest

(Also known as “depression” – Instead of just depression, this stage includes the following:)

  • Depression. This may be a period of isolation and loneliness during which you process and reflect on the loss.
  • The upward turn. At this point, the stages of grief like anger and pain have died down, and you’re left in a more calm and relaxed state.
  • Reconstruction and working through. You can begin to put pieces of your life back together and carry forward.

4. Acceptance

Acceptance and hope. This is a very gradual acceptance of the new way of life and a feeling of possibility in the future.

5. Wisdom

Grief becomes wisdom and empathy develops for others in that through the transformational experience of grief we come to a place where we can recognize these states in others.

Moving Forward

Grief changes us, but it can also deepen our capacity for empathy, gratitude, and meaning. There is no timetable or “correct” way to grieve — only your way. The stages are also not linear so you could experience acceptance one day and the next day be back in anger.  Support from compassionate others, therapy, and time can help integrate loss into a renewed sense of wholeness.

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References

  • Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Macmillan.
  • Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.
  • Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197-224.
  • Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2010). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: A Decade On. Omega, 61(4), 273-289.
  • Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (4th ed.). Springer.
  • Neimeyer, R. A. (2019). Meaning Reconstruction in the Wake of Loss. Death Studies, 43(1), 1-11.
Uncategorized

Let There Be Light: Easing the Winter Blues with Light Therapy

It’s that time of year when many people start to feel a subtle shift in mood. Energy dips, irritability creeps in, and motivation seems to disappear. For some, these changes are mild; for others, they mark the start of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

Some of my clients who are particularly sensitive to the darker months start “winter therapy” as soon as the days shorten. Others wait until after the holidays—when stress, exhaustion, and post-holiday recovery collide—to reach out for help. Either way, this is the perfect season to talk about light therapy boxes.

What a Light Therapy Box Can Do

Whether or not you’ve been formally diagnosed with SAD, a light therapy box can help offset those winter “blahs.” If someone can get out side for atleast 20 minutes a day consistently, even on cloudy or rainy days, then they probably don’t need a light therapy box. But for those who cannot be as consistent due to their schedule or motivation then a light therapy box is an excellent wellness tool.

I typically suggest sitting about 14 inches away from the light box for 20 minutes in the morning while you have breakfast or start your day. You don’t need to stare directly into it—just let the light reach your eyes as you go about your routine. Think of it as giving your body a gentle sunrise indoors.

Interestingly, many people find benefit from using their light box even outside of winter. I’ve had clients use them during hot summer months when they spend most of their time indoors avoiding the heat. The goal is the same: supporting your body’s rhythm and mood when you’re not getting natural sunlight.

Why Light Matters So Much

Daily exposure to full-spectrum light helps synchronize your body’s internal clock to a natural 24-hour day. Without it, your biological rhythm can drift to longer cycles—sometimes 36 or even 72 hours—which throws off your sleep, mood, and energy.

When your body is aligned with daylight, neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and melatonin regulate properly. You get clearer signals to fall asleep, wake up, feel motivated, and manage stress hormones like cortisol.

Simply put:

Regular exposure to light doesn’t just lift your mood—it helps your entire body function more efficiently.

Sunshine for Mind, Body, and Spirit

Our bodies are wired for sunlight. When we receive enough bright, full-spectrum light, we thrive mentally, physically, and emotionally. Light therapy can be a powerful way to bring a bit of that sunshine indoors during darker seasons—or any time you feel your spark fading.

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which includes our weekly bonus content and our growing library of wellness information, tools, and practices. Resources added this week include:

  • A PDF guide on choosing the right light therapy box
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Positive Communication, Relationships

The Power of Validation: Why Feeling Heard Matters

So many people enter counseling because they want to feel that their thoughts and feelings matter. They’ve grown up in families or relationships where they weren’t made to feel important or worthy. At the heart of it, they want one thing — to be validated.

There are several definitions of validation, but the one that most people long for is this:

To recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of another person.

Why Validation Is Hard to Give

When we’ve gone through life without much validation ourselves, it’s no surprise that we often don’t know how to offer it to others. If no one has modeled genuine validation for us, we simply haven’t had the chance to learn what it looks or feels like.

That’s where counseling — and specific communication tools — can help. One approach that teaches validation beautifully is Motivational Interviewing (MI).
(Click here for more information on MI.)

The OARS Skills: A Simple Framework

In MI, we use the acronym OARS to remember the four main validation skills:

  • O – Open-ended questions
    Invite conversation instead of shutting it down.
  • A – Affirmations
    Recognize strengths and efforts, not just outcomes.
  • R – Reflective listening
    Mirror what you’ve heard to show true understanding.
  • S – Summarizing
    Tie things together so the person feels seen and heard.

Practicing these skills helps you do more than just validate another person. They can:

  • De-escalate tense emotions when someone is overwhelmed
  • Reduce defensiveness—both yours and theirs
  • Create space to think when you’re unsure what to say
  • Build bridges in conversations that otherwise go in circles

Ultimately, these skills help people lower their defenses so genuine communication can happen — the kind that leads to connection and resolution.

Practice Over Perfection

Like any new skill, validation takes practice. You’ll make mistakes. You might catch yourself adding a “but” after a reflection — sliding right back into defensiveness. That’s okay. Each time you notice and correct it, you strengthen your ability to stay grounded and compassionate.

With time, you’ll notice that validating others (and yourself) brings more peace, confidence, and depth to your relationships.

To see a couple of sample conversations demonstrating OARS please click here to subscribe to our bonus content library.

Anatomy, brain, research, Yoga

What is Vagus Nerve Stimulation?

The vagus nerve is a very long nerve that carries signals back and forth to your brain, heart, lungs and digestive system. It is the longest cranial nerve in your body. It is said to run from the brain all the way to the large intestines. It also has branches that reach all of our major organs.

I tell clients that the vagus nerve is what people consider to be the “lizard brain” of the body. It is responsible for fight or flight responses and also freeze and hide. It controls involuntary sensory and motor functions like your heart rate, speech, mood and urine output. It is a very complex system of communication with our entire body but it has a very important role in how we respond to stress. The role it plays is regulating the way the body switches from the rational brain (the parasympathetic nervous system – relaxed state) to a fight or flight response (sympathetic nervous system – alert state).

Apparently the vagus nerve can lose its ability to switch back easily to the parasympathetic mode due to factors like stress or age. Also Known as vagal dysfunction, this can put a person at risk for high blood pressure, heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, depression and anxiety.

Professionals say that stimulating the vagus nerve will help our body to switch more quickly to a relaxed state. They recommend a variety of things to do to “stimulate” the vagus nerve. These include: 1) meditation, 2) exercise, 3) music, 4)massage, 5)cold exposure and also through 6) a medical intervention, applying an implanted or transcutaneous vagus nerve stimulation, VNS/tVNSSo “stimulation”.

These activities create a cascade of events in our body that lead to activating the parasympathetic nervous system. Sensory signals initiate when we participate in one of the above activities. This signal then travels up to the brain stem from the lower part of the body that is participating in the activity/sensation. The brain stem then sends signals to activate certain parts of the parasympathetic nervous system, which in turn, decreases cortisol, heart rate, and increases metabolism. This mechanism triggers the release of chemicals like serotonin and anti-inflammatory related chemicals that help our body feel calm and less pain. This series of events isn’t just for experiencing relaxation — it’s a multi-system communication event linking the nervous, endocrine, and immune systems. It affects not just an emotional state but the entire body.

The reason that the above activities trigger a response that activates the parasympathetic nervous system is the need for our body to seek balance and recovery. When we shock it with cold our body wants homeostasis, so it activates a series of events to calm us down. This idea of trying to return back to its original state and achieve homeostasis is also at work with activities like massage/yoga/exercise. These activities create specific changes in our body systems that makes the body want to return to it’s original state. Our body registers the sensations and our vagus nerve sends out messages to release chemicals to balance excitement or other changes. These chemicals make us feel calm and “okay”. Breathing/humming/music can also do the same thing. Basically any sensory activity that is not overly stressful or perceived as actual danger, can stimulate the vagus nerve in a healthy manner. The more we do these activities, the more training we do for our system to be stronger and recover quickly from changes and imbalances, ie stress in our environment.

On a side note, a big chemical messenger that is responsible in this process is Acetylcholine (Ach). It’s a little bit more technical for me to explain so for further information on this process, go to this link.

Also for more info on polyvagal theory, click here.

For a quick yoga routine the aids in stimulating the vagus nerve, subscribe to access our bonus content.

Breathwork, Stress Management, Yoga

Mindful Warrior Practice

Last week I posted a piece on Mindfulness Practicing for ACT.

Here’s another practice , this time using a warrior II pose. I like Warrior II, Virabhadrasana II (veer-ah-bah-DRAHS-anna), for generating a feeling of power and focus. Try this exercise when you are having difficulty with finding motivation.

Part one: The pose

  1. Face the long side of your mat with your arms stretched straight out from your shoulders and your feet parallel to each other in a wide stance. You want your ankles approximately beneath your wrists.
  2. Turn your right foot and knee to face the front of the mat.
  3. Angle your left toes a little in toward the upper left corner of the mat.
  4. Bend your right knee so that you only see your right big toe.
  5. Check and distribute your weight evenly between both legs. Press down through the outer edge of your back foot and four corners of right foot.
  6. Check posture and keep the crown of your head stacked over your pelvis and your shoulders over your hips.
  7. Reach through both arms toward the front and back of the mat and turn your head to look past your right fingertips.
  8. Engage your abdominal muscles by creating a “lift” in your lower ab area.

Part Two: The practice

Hold the pose and breath in to the belly, reversing the exhale constrict the belly as the air empties. Continue even breathing as you look out over your right finger tips, envisioning that which you to accomplish. Switch sides and think of another project/task you would like to accomplish.

Additional:

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