So many people enter counseling because they want to feel that their thoughts and feelings matter. They’ve grown up in families or relationships where they weren’t made to feel important or worthy. At the heart of it, they want one thing — to be validated.

There are several definitions of validation, but the one that most people long for is this:

To recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of another person.

Why Validation Is Hard to Give

When we’ve gone through life without much validation ourselves, it’s no surprise that we often don’t know how to offer it to others. If no one has modeled genuine validation for us, we simply haven’t had the chance to learn what it looks or feels like.

That’s where counseling — and specific communication tools — can help. One approach that teaches validation beautifully is Motivational Interviewing (MI).
(Click here for more information on MI.)

The OARS Skills: A Simple Framework

In MI, we use the acronym OARS to remember the four main validation skills:

• O – Open-ended questions
  Invite conversation instead of shutting it down.
• A – Affirmations
  Recognize strengths and efforts, not just outcomes.
• R – Reflective listening
  Mirror what you’ve heard to show true understanding.
• S – Summarizing
  Tie things together so the person feels seen and heard.

Practicing these skills helps you do more than just validate another person. They can:

• De-escalate tense emotions when someone is overwhelmed
• Reduce defensiveness—both yours and theirs
• Create space to think when you’re unsure what to say
• Build bridges in conversations that otherwise go in circles

Ultimately, these skills help people lower their defenses so genuine communication can happen — the kind that leads to connection and resolution.

Practice Over Perfection

Like any new skill, validation takes practice. You’ll make mistakes. You might catch yourself adding a “but” after a reflection — sliding right back into defensiveness. That’s okay. Each time you notice and correct it, you strengthen your ability to stay grounded and compassionate.

With time, you’ll notice that validating others (and yourself) brings more peace, confidence, and depth to your relationships.

To see a couple of sample conversations demonstrating OARS please click here to subscribe to our bonus content library.