It’s the end of October and the beginning of November with Halloween and Dia de los Muertos behind us. I love the idea of having a time of the year dedicated to thinking of the after life and of honoring our ancestors. However, with all the reminders of death during this particular holiday season, grief can be stirred up. There may be those who have been triggered and wondering what is going on with their swings in emotional states. I thought I would take this time to review the stages of grief in order to offer some support and understanding if you find yourself in the grief process.
The Five Stages of Grief
The idea of the “five stages of grief” was introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking 1969 book On Death and Dying. She initially developed the model while studying people facing terminal illness, but it has since been applied more broadly to all types of loss (Kübler-Ross, 1969; Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005).
1. Denial
Denial serves as an emotional buffer. It helps the mind process loss at a pace it can handle. People might say things like, “This can’t be happening,” or find themselves moving through daily routines on autopilot. Denial gives us space to absorb shock before deeper feelings surface.
2. Anger
As reality sets in, anger often arises — directed at oneself, others, or even at life itself. Anger is sometimes easier to express than pain, and it provides a temporary sense of control. Recognizing anger as a natural part of healing prevents guilt from compounding the emotion (Worden, 2009).
3. Bargaining
In this stage, the mind searches for meaning or tries to negotiate away pain: “If only I had done this differently…” or “Maybe if I change something, things will return to normal.” Bargaining often reflects our struggle to regain a sense of agency in an uncontrollable situation.
4. Depression
When the full weight of the loss sinks in, sadness, fatigue, or withdrawal may appear. This is not necessarily clinical depression but rather a reflection of the profound emptiness that loss brings. Allowing these feelings without judgment helps us integrate grief rather than resist it (Stroebe & Schut, 2010).
5. Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean being “okay” with the loss. It means acknowledging reality and finding a new way to live alongside it. This stage is about integration — learning to carry love and memory forward in a new way (Neimeyer, 2019).
Beyond the Five Stages
In my most recent yoga therapist training at Purusha Yoga School (San Francisco, CA), I took a class “Aging Gracefully”. The Primary teacher and founder of this school, Joy Ravelli, had compiled an excellent class on death and dying. From her research and practice she shared a different “version” of the grief stages that I feel have changed my perspective on this process, particularly with the addition of the stage of “wisdom”. Here they are:
1.Denial/ Shock
Denial and Shock help us survive and cope. This stage helps us pace our grief.
Shock and denial are defense mechanisms.
2. Exploring Emotional
(Otherwise known as “Anger” and “Bargaining”)
The stage of searching and yearning leads to feeling in the body. Those feelings may be anger, sadness, panic, hurt, loneliness, despair, depression. Each of these feelings has a story. Each of these feelings has an energy.
3. Conscious Rest
(Also known as “depression” – Instead of just depression, this stage includes the following:)
- Depression. This may be a period of isolation and loneliness during which you process and reflect on the loss.
- The upward turn. At this point, the stages of grief like anger and pain have died down, and you’re left in a more calm and relaxed state.
- Reconstruction and working through. You can begin to put pieces of your life back together and carry forward.
4. Acceptance
Acceptance and hope. This is a very gradual acceptance of the new way of life and a feeling of possibility in the future.
5. Wisdom
Grief becomes wisdom and empathy develops for others in that through the transformational experience of grief we come to a place where we can recognize these states in others.
Moving Forward
Grief changes us, but it can also deepen our capacity for empathy, gratitude, and meaning. There is no timetable or “correct” way to grieve — only your way. The stages are also not linear so you could experience acceptance one day and the next day be back in anger. Support from compassionate others, therapy, and time can help integrate loss into a renewed sense of wholeness.
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References
- Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Macmillan.
- Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.
- Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197-224.
- Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2010). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: A Decade On. Omega, 61(4), 273-289.
- Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (4th ed.). Springer.
- Neimeyer, R. A. (2019). Meaning Reconstruction in the Wake of Loss. Death Studies, 43(1), 1-11.
